Life Explained =P

Just for laughs... =P

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Daddy's Car

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

Spread the Stupidity

Only in  America  ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in  America  .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in  America  .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in  America  ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in  America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

Only in  America  .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women    put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

 Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Flying Ass

Courtesy of www.straitstimes.com =P
Don't forget to try imagining it. =P

'Flying' donkey shocks many

MOSCOW - RUSSIAN beachgoers got a shock when they saw a donkey soaring in the blue skies over the balmy beaches on the Sea of Azov in southern Russia last week, police said on Tuesday.
Attached to a parachute, the animal screamed in fear as it circled over heads of holidaymakers sunbathing on a beach in the Cossack village of Golubitskaya in the Krasnodar region last week.
A regional police spokesman said the donkey ended up in the skies as a result of an impromptu advertising campaign by several Russian entrepreneurs to attract beachgoers to their private beach.
Instead, they attracted the attention of regional police who learned of the flying donkey earlier this week and launched a probe.
'The donkey screamed and children cried,' regional police spokesman Larisa Tuchkova told AFP. 'No-one had the brains to call police.' Instead, she said, people reached for their cameras and bombarded a local newspaper with phone calls.
'It was put up so high into the sky that the children on the beach cried and asked their parents: 'Why did they tie a doggy to a parachute?' the newspaper, Taman, said this week. -- AFP

Taken from http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/World/Story/STIStory_555690.html

Engineers....BEST CHOICE!!

Today's lesson - Girls must be convinced, so learn to promote yourself - convince them that 'Engineers are the Best Boyfriends'. Let me tell you why girls should eventually marry an engineer over a Law, Management, Arts or Medical School Graduate. He has three distinct advantages over the rest of the graduates.

Advantage 1: Secure lifestyle
An engineer boyfriend can provide you with a secure lifestyle. At 27 years old, an engineer probably has a respectable, stable job that gives him a high income to own a car, invest, have a comfortable life, and get married and buy a house too. Law graduates are still working as a lowly apprentice in a law firm, most management graduates have just failed on their first business plan, the arts graduate is still looking for a job, and the medical school graduate is still living in a hospital.

Advantage 2: Unmatchable industriousness
An engineer boyfriend will dedicate an unimaginable amount of his time and effort to understand you. Engineers strain really really hard to understand their work. You can believe that they will try really really hard to understand women too, just like how they understand their work, once they believe that you are the one. So even if they don't understand you initially, they will keep on trying. Even if they still do not understand, they will figure out the correct method to keep you happy (e.g. buy diamond ring = 1 week's worth of happiness.) And once they find out the secret formula, they will just keep on repeating it so that the desired results appear. Unlike the Lawyer who will argue with you, the Management graduate who will try to control your spending, the Arts graduate who will 'change major', and the medical school graduate who will operate on you. And you know what, it's really so easy to make engineers believe that you are the 'one'. Say that you like one of their projects and they will be hooked to you forever.

Advantage 3:
An engineer boyfriend will never betray your trust. Let me first tell you what is wrong with the rest of the others - the lawyers will lie about everything, management graduates will cheat your money, the arts graduate will flirt, and you probably just look like another cadaver to the medical school graduate. Your engineer boyfriend is either too busy to have an affair, and even if he does, he is too dumb to lie to you about that.

Hence, an engineer is the most secure boyfriend that you will ever find - rich enough, will keep on trying to understand and please you, has no time for affairs, and too dumb to lie to you. So girls, why procrastinate? Get an engineer as your boyfriend!

(Note: Not my article, just another forwarded mail.)

What are you?

Just for fun.... =P

LOOK UP YOUR BIRTHDAY AND SEE WHAT YOU ARE.

January 01 - 09 ~  Ass January 10 - 24 ~Slug January 25 - 31 ~Cockroach	February 01 - 05 ~  Parasite February 06 - 14 ~Bullfrog February 15 - 21 ~Skunk     February 22 - 28 ~  Snake	March 01 - 12 ~   Ape March 13 - 15 ~ Cockroach March 16 - 23 ~  Slug March 24 - 31 ~  Parasite
April 01 - 03 ~     Ass April 04 - 14 ~  Snake April 15 - 26 ~  Slug   April 27 - 30 ~  Skunk	May 01 - 13 ~  Slug May 14 - 21 ~  Bullfrog May 22 - 31 ~ Cockroach	June 01 - 03 ~   Slug June 04 - 14 ~   Skunk June 15 - 20 ~   Ass June 21 - 24 ~   Ape June 25 - 30 ~   Parasite
July 01 - 09 ~   Slug July 10 - 15 ~   Ass July 16 - 26 ~   Bullfrog July 27 - 31 ~   Parasite	August 01 - 15 ~   Ape August 16 - 25 ~ Slug August 26 - 31 ~  Skunk	September 01 - 14 ~   Bullfrog September 15 - 27 ~   Parasite September 28 - 30 ~   Ass
October 01 - 15  ~ Ape October 16 - 27 ~   Skunk     October 28 - 31 ~   Snake	November 01 - 16  ~Cockroach November 17 - 30  ~Parasite	December 01 - 16  ~   Ass December 17 - 25  ~ Ape December 26 - 31  ~ Bullfrog

 If you are an Ass :  A very loyal and sweet person.  Your loyalty can never be doubted.  You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working.  You are a very simple person, indeed.  Absolutely hassle free, humble, and down-to-earth!!  That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes.  If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed.  Popular and easy-going.  You have a little group of dignified friends, a! ll of them being quality-personified.

If you are a Slug :  Always up to some sort of a mischief!  The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone.  You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person.  No wonder people seek your company and look forward to include you for all get-together's.  However, you are sensitive which is a drawback.  People need to select their words while talking to you.  If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath.  God bless the person then!

If you are a Cockroach :  Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person.!  You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight.  An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration.  You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people.  You love being loved and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!!  Well, well...  Hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done.  So be careful.....

If you are a Parasite :  An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit..  At times, you prefer quietness.  You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing.  Under normal circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird.  People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion.  Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company.  You observe care in choosing your friends.

If you are a Skunk :  You are near to perfect and nice at heart.  The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people.  You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong.  You are loved due to this.  You do not wish to talk behind one's back.  People love the way you always treat them.  You can give, give, and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return..  You are generous enough.  Seeing things in a practical light is w! hat remains the best trait of you guys.

If you are a   Bullfrog:    You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life.  Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected.  In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go.  You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need.  You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites.  ! They can never be in your good books, no matter what.  You are very methodical and organized in your work.  No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you.  Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love....  

If you are a Snake :  You are mysterious.  You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk.  You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group.  Very prim and proper.  You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible.  As a result, yo u may lose out in some relationships.  But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

If  you are an Ape :  Very impatient and hyper!!!  You want things to be done as quick as possible..  At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction.  That way, you people are unique.  You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles.  Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky.  Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning.  When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps.  Quite a money minded bunch you people are!!

Life as an egg...

If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!